|Ego Trouble||| Print ||
March 25, 1971. From the book Light of Kirpal.
A visitor, not initiated by Kirpal Singh, asks the following question: The more I meditate, the more the ego seems to grow. I would like to know from You what I can do about it?
If the ego is strengthened, whatever you do, there is action, reaction-whether good or bad--because you are the doer. You can lose that ego only when you become a conscious co-worker of the Divine Plan: you see some other power is working, not you. Many methods of meditation go to strengthen your ego. So long as you are the doer there will be reaction. As you sow--so shall you reap. So with all methods of meditation concerning your outgoing faculties, mind, or intellect, there will be reaction. Unless you see the reality face to face--see that Power is working, not you, It is working through you--only then the ego can be lost, not otherwise.
Non-initiate: That is very right. What I meant to say was, not when I'm meditating, but after I'm meditating the ego comes up. How can I control myself all the time? It is after meditation that the ego grows.
Now that depends on what sort of meditation you are doing. You meditate on what? Is it relating to the intellectual level, or outgoing faculties, that's the point? There are many things--there are feelings, there are drawing inferences; in that the doer is there. You may have dips into the Beyond but doership is there unless one is able to see that some higher power is working. So the method you are following depends on that. And, moreover, whatever we get, with His Grace, we should think it is His Grace; I am not the doer. That Grace has come, be grateful, that's all. That will be a saving line. Otherwise thank God you have got that opportunity to direct your attention to Him, with God's Grace. These are the only two ways in which we can save ourselves. With His Grace we get the opportunity to sit at His Door and think of Him: be thankful. The other way is to become a conscious co-worker; the third eye or single eye is opened to see the God-into-Expression Power working. Only then the ego is lost and not otherwise. So to be grateful for whatever you get also helps to save you from the ego. But the permanent way to lose the ego is only when you see that Power working, not before.
So there are many methods. If you see that some higher Power is working and then if you say, "I am God--I am of the same essence as that of God," then that you'll be. Unless man rises above body consciousness while in the body and working from that level, the ego cannot know God. Only if you become a conscious co-worker of that Divine Plan, then you will know yourself by self-analysis, not as a matter of feelings nor drawing inferences. So that is why I say knowledge of self precedes God-knowledge. Knowledge of self is had two ways. One, by mere assumption; you have not seen that Power, and unless we know ourselves how can we know God? It is the soul which can know God; unless it is analyzed by rising above outgoing faculties, mind, and intellect, it cannot know itself. And the second way is when it knows itself; only then you can know some higher Power is working. So knowing oneself is a matter of self-analysis, a demonstration which is given by some competent Person. He gives you a meditation sitting; you see you have risen above body consciousness. Just as you can put aside your boots or your waistcoat, similarly you can put aside your body and rise above it. Then you'll know yourself. Then you'll see some higher Power is working, not before. So in this we have not to make any hypothesis--we make direct contact with the God-into-Expression Power.
Non-initiate: Isn't there another way? When ego starts to work, I normally use a mantra, repeat it constantly until I get a headache, then I stop. Isn't there another way to control the ego?
There are methods and methods. This is what I'm telling you. Any methods relating or concerning outgoing faculties, mind or intellect or the physical body will naturally give you a headache. There are ways and ways for meditation in which you won't get headaches. If you strain, then naturally there will be headache. May I ask, if you don't mind, whether you rise above body consciousness? Do you forget your body in your meditations?
Sometimes, that's all right. At that time you don't feel any headache?
Non-initiate: No, no.
It is only when you strain, you fix your gaze at a certain point, there's strain, then the headache is there. And if you don't strain, there will be no headache.
Non-initiate: You see, the problem is not during meditations. The problem is in the time between meditations. When meditating I feel no ego.
That is why I said after meditation one should be thankful to God- that it is His Grace that He has given something. It is not by our efforts that we get that thing. Our effort is only to sit at His Door. It is for Him to give what He wants or not to give it. If we have got that attitude, then there is no ego. Further, after meditation, if you say, "Oh, I have sat--I have done this and that thing well," we forget His Grace, and then react as if it was due to our self, to our own effort. That is why the ego comes in. So sit at the Door and wait. Whatever you get accept; it is His Grace. Sometimes we say, "I have done that well. Now I am progressing." We forget the Giver. Naturally ego trouble will be the result. To my mind it's very clear. So pray and sit, that's the first thing, "Oh, God help me, I am sitting here at Thy Door." Cut off from all outside and wait. Whatever He gives, be thankful to Him. In that case we don't have the sting of ego.
Non-initiate: But then when you have.. er... for sometime, then er...
Dear friend, if you don't mind, come near me. That would be very kind--I will be able to hear you. Put your chair close to me--that's right. Yes?
Non-initiate: I really think I take it as a Grace. I mean when I have that happiness I really feel very thankful...
If you feel thankful, then there's no question of ego. It is only when we think in an underhanded way, "I, out of my own efforts, have got this--I am the doer," then we forget His Grace. Otherwise ego won't come up.
Non-initiate: You mean it's that moment I forget to be thankful?
No, no, not at that moment. When you see something, and think, "Oh, I have done this, now I have got some progress. I have done something, I'm getting somewhere." If you take it as a sheer matter of Grace, then that won't come.
Non-initiate: But the point is--I can, for example, go for many weeks feeling very loving, and everything goes smoothly and nice, and then one morning I wake up thinking all kinds of stupid thoughts which should not run in my brain.
When you sit by snow or ice there's no heat left. You come in contact with that higher Power not as a matter of assumption. So without seeing that He is all round, He is everywhere, and you don't see Him actually working, then that's the fault. If you see, then nothing will happen like that--you will have no ego troubles. Sometimes thoughts come up because all heat is not gone from you. In the beginning you have to weed out all your imperfections for, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God." So purity of heart consists of good thoughts, good words and good deeds: righteousness. For that we have to prepare ourselves. To get to God is not difficult, but to make a man is difficult. You see? Our subconscious mind is not devoid of all these lower things. Sometimes, you sit and you get some bliss, but again that thing comes up. So unless the reservoir is cleared, these things keep coming up. So have conscious contact with God-into-Expression -- I have been especially laying stress on that. If you are seeing something, sometimes it is a matter of inference I tell you, or it is a matter of feelings. So feelings and drawing inferences are different things from seeing. So can you see that God-into-Expression Power? That's the point. "If thine eye be single thy whole body shall be full of Light." Do you find Light there?
Non-initiate: Yes, I do.
That's all right; then just remain in contact longer and weed out all imperfections from day to day. Out of twenty-four hours, supposing you meditate one hour, two hours, or three hours, but for the other part of the day you are indulging in so many things from the outgoing faculties?
Non-initiate: That is exactly what I find. You know I try to keep to the point all the time, especially in meditation, and when I'm not meditating I have the thought of my mantra in my brain, yet sometimes my brain goes crazy.
That is why I'm telling you, dear friend, you are not all purity. There are still some things which flare up, that's all. So for that reason let not your mind remain vacant. A vacant mind is the home of the devil. So I always prescribe day-to-day self-introspection and to mark failures in a diary under certain headings and weed them out daily--that is one thing. And the other is to come into contact with that Light, or whatever it is--you have some charging and that is earthed in different ways. First, your meditations should be for a longer period; and second, along with that you should be weeding out all imperfections, failures within you; they both go hand in hand.
The time will come when the mind won't rake up anything. As I gave an example: when you sit by fire all cold is gone. When you sit by ice all heat is gone. So for a time we sit, and then again that vacant mind brings us trouble. For that, time factor is a necessity. You see, for twenty-four hours of the day and night we cannot meditate. It is the vacant mind which is to be controlled. All impressions come from through the out-going faculties. Eighty percent of our impressions come from outside through the eyes, and through the ears we get fourteen per cent--our subconscious reservoir of the mind is overflowing with them. If you put in, say an hour or two, that's all right; but then these problems again come up. So constant vigilant watch is required. Regularly come in contact with that Power, then naturally, slowly, there's nothing to come up.
Non-initiate: You mean that what happens is the mind stops... ?
Yes, yes. What is the mind? It is a reservoir of desires, that's all. If you only weed out for, say an hour or two, three or four, that's all right. But the whole trouble comes in the vacant hours--the electricity becomes earthed, this is what I mean. If you try, you will be successful. So the time factor is a necessity. Rome was not built in a day. It takes time, of course.